The more I think about things, the harder it is to complete thoughts on any topic. I am not interested in stating things that others have said. The ideas are not my own and are something that I am just regurgitating, like a snake that has finished with its meal. These ideas are not desirable for anyone and have served their purpose for me but can’t do the same for anyone else.

Being unique is less important than being useful. I realize this. It doesn’t change my outlook on myself being an inferior source for everything that isn’t directly related to me. There is always someone doing it better.

I feel that a weaker outlook for myself would lead me towards a more postmodern stance. One where standpoint may matter more.

Complete Thinking

One mistake that seems likely for me to make is to put my flag in the ground somewhere and then be stuck playing king of the hill. I want nothing to do with that kind of game.

I need to get to the bottom of my philosophy to know where the foundation begins and ends.

There is no reason to be right when I am writing here. I don’t intend to be right. A large part of me is fine with being wronger and wronger as time goes on.

The challenge is that this kind of writing is not my end goal. I want to write something that matters to me and is complete. It needs to be something that stands on its own.

Fragments of the Whole

I have so many parts that add up to something almost interesting. The hard part is the last step. Putting it together comes after making those parts be their own wholes.

Support

I have more support in my life than I could ever ask for or expect. I have the space to actually do something interesting. That actually makes it more scary for me when I step back from things. The thousand fragments with no value are there because of the sacrifice of others.

I am aware the support is there but am very poor at expressing appreciation for it.

Desires

It is easy to get lost in being comfortable in life. You can avoid all pain and effort and end up with a life that is unremarkable. It is natural to do so.

I know I can get stuck in a place that isn’t good for me. The reason for a lot of my choices are because I don’t want to be stuck. It is obvious a bad choice is better than no choice or one that leads to stagnation.

I desire a world that allows me to go on being clever and lazy while at the same time being useful. There is no world where I can be myself without having to put in effort.

Finding out where in myself that effort is gets harder as the bar to actually completing a thought gets higher.

Being Useful

I desire being useful in some way. My ability to try hard and do things I don’t want to do is very low. It is made up for by my ability to do so well at things in general.

I don’t know how others do it. That seems to be why so few do.

It is correct, I believe, that being useful to a single person is the right place to start. I am a success in that, I believe.

Now for the next step.